I am going to try really hard today to stay present and allow myself to be with all of my feelings. I still find it a challenge to luxuriate in all of my emotions, finding it so much easier to split off from my feelings and just feel… nothing.
Growing up in my dysfunctional family of four, feelings were not allowed to be spoken or felt. If I had dared to tell my mother I was anything less than fine, I was told that nobody will like me if I am not smiling and happy. “But what if I don’t feel happy?” I asked. “Just fake it Katharine, nobody likes sad people.”
I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted that I pushed all those confusing dark feelings far down in my gut, keeping my feelings buried by alternately bingeing and then starving, better to focus on my fluctuating weight, then on my feelings.
Now what was I to do? I did right thing. I got married, had a child and there I was, a professional people pleaser, constantly trying to please my angry husband and my demanding daughter. I didn’t understand why or how I ended up here when all I had ever done was try to be good.
Here is the moral of my rambling road of a story:
If you did not have a parent who validated all of you, who mirrored back to you in word and deed that your feelings were just that – feelings – and that all feelings are welcomed here in this family and in your body, then you will spend your life running from your crazy.
I married someone who acted out my long buried rage, giving me permission to then berate him for daring to act out my unspoken and un-allowed feelings. I hid from my true feelings for so long that I couldn’t acknowledge even to myself that what I most deeply wanted was to be with a woman until I was almost forty years old. Sadly, until I changed, the only thing that changed was the gender of my partner, my story remained the same.
This morning after waking up I stumbled into my bathroom and gently gazed at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I said out loud:
“I love and accept all of me. My fiery temper, my tendency to always speak my truth, and every bit of my me-ness from my frizzy hair down to my weird looking scrunched up tongue.”
I shall continue giving myself permission to feel all my feelings and try my best to not run from them, and in doing this brazen act of self – love and acceptance I will set myself free.
So my friends, love all of yourself. Tell yourself every day that you do matter and it is more than okay to be angry and feel angry and think angry thoughts and that doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a real one.