My puppy Lucille and I are camped out nice and cozy under my duvet. Truthfully, she has corrupted both of my pillows with her long and narrow body, but she is the Queen and I’m just her willing lady-in-waiting. I’m listening to The Beatles and reading The Admissions, a novel about a family in The Bay Area of San Francisco whose daughter really wants to get into Harvard (hence the title) as well as The Girl Before, a mystery in the Gone Girl genre. I am loving them both a lot, and think The Girl Before would make a great movie. Books, Beatles and a Bitch. What more can a not so little lesbian Jewess possibly want?
I had a delightful day today. Got up early and took Lucille for a short walk at the beach. I would have walked longer had Lucille not had a tussle with an escalator earlier this week, and unfortunately lost. Luckily her tiny paw did not break, though she did sustain a few deep abrasions. Lucille was a trooper, only barking twice to let me know all was not okay. I grabbed her up in my arms and rushed over to the veterinarian. As chance would have it Dr. D was about to leave on vacation, but stayed long enough to bandage up Lucille’s paw.
I love being at the lake. My body feeds on the fresh air, my soul the open space that the boardwalk affords. Back from the beach I made blueberry pancakes with turkey apple sausage (on a separate plate, of course!) for breakfast. I don’t love cooking, but do love making breakfasts, my specialty the aforementioned pancakes. I prefer organic over processed and high quality food over poor. I am not an in- between kind of lesbian, hence my enjoyment of five star restaurants and authentic divey diners. I am seriously lactose intolerant, but otherwise I will eat anything as long as it is crafted with care.
Lately I’ve been thinking about tenderness. Coming from a borderline mother and a demanding father, there was a dearth of tenderness in my young life. As a result, I too did not lead with tenderness while parenting my daughter Victoria. I often felt challenged in parenting, there being a great chasm between who Victoria was and who I wanted her to be.
Vicky wanted a Master of the Universe kind of mommy who worked on Bay Street, wore power suits and flew the family to Antigua on the company jet. I wanted a Barbie loving, tea party playing, soap opera watching kid. Instead I got a tomboy who hated Barbies and tea parties and often, me. I tried so hard to be what she wanted me to be, but what she wanted was so far from who I was that it proved impossible.
I have worked hard to construct strong but flexible boundaries. I have forgiven myself (mostly) for not being the parent that my daughter wanted and stopped telling myself platitudes about being the parent that she needed, just letting our history be. I try now to be the best me that I can be, finally understanding that being me is really the only true thing I can be.
All this to say that my next relationship will be built around tenderness and vulnerability . Allowing myself to be seen, and seeing my partner in all her flawed glory.I believe in transparency, and processing and sharing. Not in the it’s our first date and I’m telling you about my incestuous relationship with my brother, but the slow lazy Sunday kind of sharing while reading the Times. I believe I’m ready to begin anew. I have a first date this weekend with someone I met at a Jewish lesbian speed dating event of all things.
I shall let you all know how it went..