“Trade your expectations for appreciation” Tony Robbins
What I know to be true today is this: That all that I have left in my life is my long standing companion, resentment. I feel, no I fucking know, that I have been cheated out of a good mother and good sister and a father who should have known he needed to leave a will with my name next to a bunch of numbers that would have assigned my safety. Sadly my Dad left no will at all. He did not want to think about the inevitable, focusing instead on the moment, filling his body with smoked meat, and his mind with thoughts of financial gain. I know I chose to marry a man whom I believed would provide the financial safety that I thought was my due, but when I needed to make a hasty exit, he screwed me over as well, just like my daddy did.
But I really didn’t care about hubby’s money because now, I had Jane. Jane who promised me she would keep me safe. Jane who promised to hold me tight every night until my nightmares eased. I imagined the person I might be if Jane held me long enough to finally feel safe. She would be happy and healthy and productive in the world. Unfortunately after one week of my nightmares, Jane kicked me out of her bed, because when rescuing turned from fantasy to reality, reality was too real for her.
But that’s was okay, because here comes MLC to the rescue on her big white horse, asking only for my servitude to her world view. A fair trade for room and board and occasional cunnilingus. Unfortunately I didn’t understand the terms of the deal, and my princess ways got me kicked out of her castle.
With resentment as my fuel, I quickly found an apartment, and sold the last token from my former princess life to pay for a few months reprieve.
Now that my reprieve is coming to an end, I find myself once again scrambling for financial assistance. Mummy will certainly save me now that I am close to being homeless right? Not right. My wealthy uncle? Wrong again. What about my multi- millionaire sister? Susie had vehemently stated years ago “We are blood!” I didn’t really understand at the time why that mattered but if it mattered to her, certainly she would come up with a few sheckles to help her soon to be homeless sister right? Wrong again. Makes sense since said sister hasn’t spoken to me in years, but a girl can dream right?
No more dreams of family to the rescue for this fair maiden. Because I’m not a maiden anymore and the only commonality that runs through all my resentment stories is me.
This Thursday marks one year of my being binge free after forty years of using food for numbing and comfort. I made a decision to stop harming myself with food, and after ten thousand tries, this one took.
Of course this is wonderful and healing and my body feels so much better, but now I have to deal with life as a fourteen year old, because that’s when I left this world and sent in other Katharine.
Years ago, I worked with the healer Elizabeth van Diepen, who told me I was the most present un-present person she had ever worked with. At the time, I took this as a compliment.
I’m working hard to stay present, I really am. I’m gently taking off the tentacles of resentment that have attached themselves to my body like an octopus, replacing each one with appreciation. This is hard. This letting go of resentment is harder than healing from my years of disordered eating, because of course, anger and resentment are why I started to binge in the first place.
But I’m a fighter. I fought to free myself my eating disorder and I won. I will fight to free myself from any expectation of being saved, financially or familially and I will succeed here as well.
I can and will save myself by beginning to appreciate what I have and to release all that is illusory. Due ongoing health issues I can’t work as I used to but I am starting to work again as a tarot reader and Reiki master, and of course, a writer.
I can do this. One second, one breathe, one decision at a time, trading in my resentment and expectations for appreciation and gratitude.