thefatjewess

my forays through love and other gastronomical stories

The Lesbian Chronicles 36: Feeling Grapeful — August 15, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 36: Feeling Grapeful

I went into Harvest Wagon today to buy some pasta and other assorted goodies. I was in the lineup to pay when Frank, the manager of Harvest who happens to be a friend of mine, asked me if I wanted to try some grapes that he had just brought in from California. I said yes, and popped one in my mouth.

Really Katharine, you might be thinking, does this require a Facebook post?

Actually it does. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food ever since I was fourteen years old and discovered that I could make Wonder Bread taste better by rolling the bread into little pill shaped balls.

That was my beginning descent into an eating disorder that had me in its grip until 102 days ago when I made the decision that I did not need to be a size 4 anymore. I just needed to be healthy.

I began eating three meals a day ( I know, radical eh?) and focused on never hurting myself with food ever again, rather than my previous goal of being super slim.

Now back to the grape I ate at Harvest. In the past I could never eat a single grape, or apple, or marshmallow for that matter, because if I dare eat that renegade grape, I now was BAD!

Now I had broken my covenant with the Food God and had failed. Well, since I had broken my diet anyway with my one errant snatch of that grape, I might as well go crazy, damn the torpedoes and eat everything in sight until 11:59 p.m when over – full and disgusted with myself, I would promise myself that starting tomorrow I would starve myself at least until dinner.

So what changed for me today? I think I am beginning to understand intellectually and to feel emotionally that I am actually not a bad person, and I do not have to punish myself anymore for discretions that were put on me way before I even consciously understood what was happening.

If I am not bad, then I need not punish myself. I do not need to be perfect (i.e. skinny as a rake) to be desired. I actually do not even need to be desired to be good, although if there is one single lesbian is reading this and wants to desire me, you know where to find me.

Back to that single purple California grape. I ate it. I liked it. I bought a bunch. I did not worry (much) about the pesticide covering the grape, I just enjoyed the sweet flavour bursting onto my tongue like fireworks. Then pushing my luck, because I am that chickee, I asked Frank if I could try a green grape as well. The green grape was not as sweet so I decided on purchasing the purple grapes and some prosciutto for lunch and the earth did not open me up to swallow me whole and I left the store, intact.

Postscript:

I had a lovely lunch featuring said grapes with some lactose free cheese and prosciutto, and so far…nothing else.

The Lesbian Chronicles 35: The Love Revolution — August 11, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 35: The Love Revolution

While in Montréal  last month I met with my good friends Angelo and Stephan for breakfast. They have been together for over twenty years and are my inspiration as well as my aspiration. I became friendly initially with Stephan,(he is my hairstylist, and personifiesthe phrase  ‘The cock of the walk’.

Shortly after our initial meeting, I was introduced to his partner Angelo. Angelo is accountant for the Montréal Protestant School Board, a quiet man with beautiful soft soulful blue eyes.

When I was last in Montreal they made me a lovely dinner featuring Angelo’s famous homemade pasta. As I was getting ready to leave Angelo went to get my coat and I noticed this very large statue similar to the style of Henry Moore, in their hallway.

I asked Angelo if this was a new addition as I am often in my own special world and tend to miss this things like enormous sculptures in my friend’s living room. (Really!) Angelo said it was new. When on their recent trip to Italy Stephan spotted this statue and coveted it immediately. Angelo told me he thought it would be quite difficult to bring it home to Canada but – as he spoke to me his face softened, Stephan wanted it so badly, how could he refuse?

This dinner happened a few weeks ago and I have not stopped thinking about the moment I saw Angelo face soften into love. This is what I want. I want to experience this deep well of mutual love .

I went for a swim in my pool this morning in my ongoing attempt at fitness, and as I was swimming my thoughts turned to Angelo. I need to find my own Angelo, I thought. Wait!! I am Katharine Angelina!

I already am my own Angelo/Angelina!  I remembered this video I watched yesterday that I  thought was amazing. A true light bulb moment to speak in the Oprah vernacular.  The late Wayne Dyer was talking to Oprah about the Law of Manifestation.

Wayne said in order to have more money in your life, you must be generous. If you want more happiness, you must be joy filled. You must raise your vibration and become what you wish to  manifest in your life. As I swam back and forth in the warm water, I thought about what Wayne said and realized why I have attracted a certain kind of woman into my life, because THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF!!! BIG WOW!!

Okay my HuffPo readers, I shall stop writing in caps now, I just wanted to capture and share my excitement!

To review, if I want to manifest a kind, loving soul who will be there for me and can ‘see’ me, then I must be that for myself. I am so excited about my revelation and the possibility of getting it right this time.

This year has been a year of great personal revelation. I am beginning to take care of myself in a profound way, eating mindfully, (100 days binge free!) exercising mildly,( the aforementioned swimming of 15 – ish laps every second day) trying to stay calm and centered.

I’ve stopped swearing( for the most part, though there is nothing more satisfying than uttering a loud FUCK! when needed) and I’m very mindful of how I speak to others, but even more aware of how I speak to myself. I’m really trying to talk to myself as I would to my daughter Victoria or my best friend Marcus.

What I am not doing anymore is talking to myself like this-.

“Oh my God. I’m freaking out and I’m not well and who will still need me, who will still feed me, when I’m sixty-four!”

Instead I am talking to myself in this way:

“I will be fine. I just need to take a few deep breaths. I’m going to take a bath with my favourite lavender and rose bath salts, then I shall drink some green tea. I know all will be well.

I would love to hear what my Huffington Post readers think,

Let’s start a self- love revolution!

The Lesbian Chronicles 34: Perpetual Victim — August 1, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 34: Perpetual Victim

Perpetual Victim

 

Be quiet. Be quiet.

I told you –

BE QUIET!

You are weird. You are ugly. You are strange.

Be normal. Be pretty. Be happy.

Always be nice. Always say thank- you, even if you

aren’t grateful, especially if you aren’t grateful.

Take it – You deserved it- You are a feral thing.

Don’t act like an animal. Act like a good girl.

Act like a good girl.

Marry well. Marry wealth. Marry a man.

Money is important. Power is important. Love is not important.

He yells? So did mine.

He hits? So did mine.

You deserve to be choked –

You are making me mad –

You did this to me –

I should die if I’m lying.

I have friends, you don’t.

I am right, you aren’t.

Be like me – perpetual victim.

 

K.A.L

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