thewren

my forays through love and other gastronomical stories

The Lesbian Chronicles 20: Charmed — April 26, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 20: Charmed

 Charmed

 

All my life

I’ve collected mothers

like charms on a bracelet

each charm weighing

heavy on my wrist,

secretly hoping

the pull of the charms

would help me to

feel my ground.

Each day I

would carefully

scan my horizon

looking for another

more luminous

than the last

searching for a glimmer

of my past

that never was

and never would be.

I felt her before I saw her

walking down my street

late last Tuesday,

her  aura shimmering with grace.

I brushed up against her body

almost casually

wanting to experience

the soft touch of her hand

on my shoulder as I

breathed her warmth

into my frozen core.

“I am so sorry”  I say.

(I will lie prostrate in the gutter for you)

“It’s all right my dear” she says.

(She has no subtext)

My real life

mother is the antithesis

of yielding

all hard lines and planes

no give there –

The absence of

soft space

has left me

Always as cold

As ice

And just as

Fragile.

This morning I woke up

early

to witness the sunlight

dancing through my

heart- shaped mobile

that hangs above

my window.

The moment lengthened – as

a thought leapt through my mind

trilling like a tiny hopeful songbird.

Now is the time

(trilled the birdie)

to warm myself out

of my frozen stupor,

leaving my charmed

bracelet of mother’s behind.

I shall tuck it safely

into my indigo velvet pouch

along with a clay paw print

of my dog Gucci’s paw.

For I do believe

that I can indeed

someday –

embody the mother

I have been searching

for.

KAL

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The Lesbian Chronicles 19: Broken — April 19, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 19: Broken

Recently I began dating a woman whom I quite liked. There were no earth shattering moments of lust, but I felt prepared to forgo lust for like. Shelby seemed healthy or at least healthy-ish. We were enjoying dinners and walks and of course, the obligatory game of Scrabble, one of the ten lesbian commandments.

This past weekend she invited me to her cottage. I was looking forward to getting to know her better and spending some time in nature. When she came to pick me up in her silver Audi, I saw that her mirror on the driver’s side was completely crushed. I took notice but said nothing; unusual for me but the trip had yet to begin and I did not want to start it with a criticism.

As we pulled into her driveway I could see that her bay window was broken. I turned to her and said “Oh my goodness! Look what happened to your beautiful bay window!”

She calmly replied “Oh that? That’s not new, that happened over three years ago.” Three years ago?? Yikes! When I mentioned it again, she turned to me and with more than a little irritation in her voice said “Katharina, do you not know how much a window costs? Three thousand dollars!”

This from a woman who just bought a second edition of Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’ for $15,000.

I did not judge Shelby for her choices. Wait. Who am I kidding? Of course I judged her. But what I am working so hard to do is judge less and accept more. I had a choice to make; stay with her and live with the broken window, or extricate myself now while the extricating is still rather easy. I chose the latter.

Up until Shelby I had always chose the former hoping that with enough nudging and cajoling that ‘She’ will she eventually see the light or more precisely see her life through my lens. That was my ‘Broken’.

I am not the wounded whisperer. I need to keep looking at where I am broken; where I need to be more accountable, more honest and always more kind.

The Lesbian Chronicles 18: When I Am Not Looking. — April 11, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 18: When I Am Not Looking.

 

I’m lying on my couch with a bag of frozen beans (organic, of course!) placed strategically on top of my right knee ( more on that later) and wondering why on this perfect Spring evening that I am without my Beloved, still.

After all this time and all the therapy (hours of talking, Rolfing, breathing) all the wishing (on four leaf clovers, on falling stars, on the magic 8 ball) and still– She is not here. Perhaps it’s that I cheated with the four leaf clover, it was really a three leaf clover that I superglued with a separate clover. ( My fingers as well, Renaissance woman I am not)

Now about this folklore of when you are least expecting, or not looking ‘she’ will appear–well, I take umbrage with that particular story because:

  1. I am a Libra and we Libra chickies are never quite happy unless we are in love.
  2. I am a Romantic. (Perhaps 2 should be an addendum to 1.)
  3. I am desperate (see 1) but also extremely picky and picky trumps desperate every time.

Which brings me back to tonight and why I have a bag of frozen veggies on my knee. Lucille, my spritely puppy and I were in the park today for a long long time. She is new, I on the other hand, am not. But we both love being in nature and both went a little overboard today. (She is lying next to me as I write this blog, conked out)

So I guess I will take a lavender and Epsom salt bath, and listen to some old slow jazz and just be grateful for what I do have – my daughter, my puppy, my best friend who love me even so, and send my wish for love up to the stars.

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