The Lesbian Chronicles 20: Charmed

 Charmed

 

In  my life

I’ve collected mothers

like charms on a bracelet

each charm weighing

heavily on my wrist; hoping

the pull of the charms

would help me to

feel my ground.

 

My covert obsession carefully

scanning the horizon

longing for another

more luminous

than the last.

 

Searching for a glimmer

of my past

that never was

and never could be.

 

I felt her before I saw her

walking down  my street

late last Tuesday;

her  aura shimmering with grace.

 

I brushed up against her body

almost casually;

needing to share a few words –

wanting to experience

the soft touch of her hand

on my shoulder as I

breathed her warmth

into my frozen core.

 

“I am so sorry”  I say.

(I will lie prostrate in the gutter for you)

“It’s all right my dear” she says.

(She has no subtext)

 

My real life

mother is the antithesis

of soft

all hard lines and planes

no give there –

no breathing space

for me to arrive.

 

I have been waiting

seemingly forever;

to find a safe place

to exhale.

 

This morning I woke early

to witness the sunlight

dance through my

heart- shaped mobile

that hangs above my window.

 

 

The moment lengthened –

as a thought leapt through my mind

trilling like a tiny hopeful bird.

 

Now is the time

(trilled the birdie)

to raise myself out

of my mother stupor;

leaving my charmed

bracelet behind.

 

 

I shall tuck it safely

into my indigo velvet pouch;

along with a clay paw print

of my favourite dog’s paw.

 

 

For I do believe

that I can indeed

someday –

embody the mother

I have been always been searching

for.

 

 

KAL

The Lesbian Chronicles 19:Broken

Recently I began dating a woman whom I quite liked; there were no earth shattering moments of lust, but I felt prepared to forgo lust for like. Shelby seemed healthy or at least healthy-ish; we were enjoying dinners and walks and of course the lesbian obligatory game of Scrabble.

This past weekend she invited me to her cottage. I was looking forward to getting to know her better and to spend some time in nature. When she came to pick me up in her silver Audi, I saw that her mirror on the driver’s side was completely crushed. I took notice but said nothing; unusual for me but the trip had yet to begin and I did not want to start it on a critical note. As we pulled into her driveway I could see that her bay window was broken. I turned to her and said “Oh my goodness; look what happened to your beautiful bay window!”

She calmly replied “Oh that? That’s not new; that happened over three years ago.” Three years ago?? Yikes! When again I commented she turned to me and with more than a little irritation in her voice said “Katharine, do you not know how much a window costs? Three thousand dollars!” This from a woman who just bought a second edition of Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’ for $15,000!

I did not judge Shelby for her choices. Wait. Who am I kidding? Of course I judged her. But what I am trying to do is judge less and accept more. I had a choice to make; stay with her and live with the broken window, or extricate myself now while the extricating is still rather easy. I chose the latter. Up until Shelby; I had always chose the former hoping that with enough nudging and cajoling that ‘She’ will she eventually see the light; or more precisely see her life through my lens. That was my ‘Broken’. I am not the wounded whisperer. I need to keep looking at where I am broken; where I need to be more accountable, more honest and always more kind.

The Lesbian Chronicles 18: When I Am Not Looking.

 

I’m lying on my couch with a bag of frozen beans (organic, of course!) placed strategically on top of my right knee ( more on that later) and wondering why , on this perfect Spring evening that I am without my Beloved , still.

Like; really? After all this time and all the therapy (hours of talking, Rolfing, breathing) all the wishing ( on four leaf clovers, on falling stars , on the magic 8 ball) and still– She is not here. Perhaps it’s that I cheated with the four leaf clover, it was really a three leaf clover that I superglued with a separate clover. ( My fingers as well, Renaissance woman I am not)

Now about this folklore of when you are least expecting, or not looking ‘she’ will appear–well, I take umbrage with that particular story because:

  1. I am a Libra and we Libra chickies are never quite happy unless we are in love.
  2. I am a Romantic. (Perhaps 2 should be an addendum to 1.)
  3. I am desperate (see 1) but also extremely picky and picky trumps desperate every time.

 

Which brings me back to tonight and why I have a bag of frozen veggies on my knee. Lucille, my new spritely puppy and I were in the park today for a long long time. She is new, I on the other hand, am not. But we both love being in nature and both went a little overboard today. (She is lying next to me as I write this blog, conked out)

So I guess I will take a lavender and Epsom salt bath, and listen to some old slow jazz and just be grateful for what I do have – my daughter,my puppy ,my friends who love me even so; and send my wish for love up to the stars.