I’ve recently discovered how difficult it is to let the people I love just be themselves without intervention. Intellectually I understand that I have no agency over another person; especially if said person is my ex – girlfriend Lorraine, but my old dino brain says – If I ask only once more nicely; better perhaps if I lie prostrate on my hands and knees begging; surely that would get her to change, right? Lorraine, why won’t you listen to me? I can help you, after all I am a therapist!
Non, c’est incorrecte. All my outsized behavior does is create resistance ‘in the field’ as my energy work teacher would say; and so I find myself between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
If I allow the people closest to me to just be themselves, who will I be in relationship to them? Since childhood I have been cast in the role of agent provocateur. I have acted accordingly for most of my life; to give up that role would feel like losing the ‘me-ist’ part of me.
But give her up I must, because I long for peace. Peace in my relationships, peace in my body and peace in my soul.
Rest in peace my wild untamed agent provocateur, you have served me well, but I will not needing you for this part of my journey.
This is my trajectory ; I am living it, breathing it, eating it. It tastes like Captain Crunch cereal.
So once again and not for the first time today, even though it is only nine a.m in the morning, I will forgive my mornings transgressions and begin again the process of allowing Lorraine and all my relations the freedom to just be.