thefatjewess

my forays through love and other gastronomical stories

The Lesbian Chronicles 8 : Karma and The Beach — January 28, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 8 : Karma and The Beach

So folks; here’s the thing – I believe in Karma. I believe you reap what you sow, and that your actions have consequences. I believe however, that it’s slightly more complex than; in this life I broke your heart; therefore in the next life; you get to break mine, although truth be told, sometimes I feel that in my last life I must have broken more than a few.

I believe that during our lifetime we have free choice and free will, but that we are not given unlimited choices. I believe that life is just like the game show The Price is Right; where you are given three doors to choose from; but you only get to chose between those specific three doors, not twenty- three doors.

Just as there are those three doors on the game show, I believe that God or Spirit; in tandem with our soul; chooses one of three doors (or character types) for us.

Door #1 people are often closed off emotionally, non-relational, rational, and very proficient at self-soothing.  I visualize them as living in a castle  people, with the moat around the castle and alligators with their huge sharp teeth swimming in the water, ready to devour anyone that dares to approach the moat.

Door #2 people possess an open-hearted but diffuse energy. They are relational people; people who need people kind of people ; these #2’s are pup tent on the beach people, where everything and everyone can come in; where there is hardly any protection from the elements.

Door #3 people are the go with the flow kind of people, who can acknowledge and appreciate boundaries. They are balanced and grounded in themselves. I see these people as house people, whose foundation is built on solid ground. Their homes have doors and windows that can be open or closed based on their discretion.

I believe that these personality types are karmic, meaning that in this lifetime, each soul has chosen one of these three characters types to advance their soul’s growth. If you have won the karmic lottery and have been given door #3, then it is likely you organically gravitate to healthy people. You have grown up with two healthy parents and lovely extended family. Lucky you!

Most of us however, are either the pup tent kind of person, or the castle kind of person. I believe our goal is to move toward solidity if we are diffuse, and movement if we are rigid.

I am the pup tent kind of lesbian, who has a hard time establishing solid, but fluid boundaries. While I still inhabit my canvas tent, I am working on my dream home. Right now I am building the foundation, pouring the concrete and gathering the bricks that will be needed , building from the ground up.

P.S. In case anyone is curious, I am building my new home in Hawaii..

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The Lesbian Chronicles 7: Forgiveness — January 15, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 7: Forgiveness

 

This past Saturday I decided it would be fun to go hiking in the Scarborough Bluffs and invited my ex-girlfriend Lorraine to come along. I thought it would be a lovely  Dr. Zhivago – esque idea to walk in the bluffs in the midst of a very cold Toronto winter . I do not own a horse, so I brought along my trusty circus puppy Lucille, who though not a horse, would more than suffice.  I put on my warmest jacket and my faux fur hat,  gathered everyone into my battered Mazda and proceeded to drive to our destination.

At first it was lovely, in a freezing fresh air kind of way,  but after the first few moments of  bliss the minus twenty temperature started to turn my warm titties into tit-cicles.

Really? What was I thinking?  I am not a Russian princess but a neurotic, over fifty Jewish American Princess! Oy Vey!  However; intrepid is my middle name, so even though it did not seem to be the most brilliant idea I have ever had, we three soldiered on. Again, at this almost frozen moment in time , a  healthier person would have turned back and called it a day, but not me!! Oh no! We drove all the way there dammit; and we are going to have fun!

Twenty minutes into our hike, we came upon a steep incline. Lorraine climbed down first,  Lucille went next, then it was my turn. Yikes ! This mountain is too steep for me to climb without dyke assistance!  I focused all my energy on Lorraine’s back , silently willing her to turn around and say “Hey, Katharine need some help?” For of course, I needed help. I have bad knees and bad balance and a broken motherless heart, so I silently screamed –

I NEED HELP YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

Lorraine did not turn around.

This wasn’t my first time on this particular merry go round, and more than likely, it wouldn’t be my last. Memories flashed through my mind –  five year old me, on a rare outing with my mother to Eaton’s department store,  begging Mother to hold my hand, Mother refusing, telling me that I’m a big girl now, big girls don’t need to hold their mother’s hand. Ten year old me, asking my father the engineer  to help me put together my bicycle, and Dad refusing, telling me he couldn’t figure out the diagram. Really Daddy? You are an engineer! You can do it!  Instead of looking at the building instructions together, he chose to walk away, leaving me with an unassembled bike and a broken heart.

So when Lorraine did not turn around, it was a familial sensation. The shock and the pain  brought me to a very young and wounded place, and out of that place, I did something extremely foolish. Instead of asking for her assistance,  I proceeded down the very steep incline by myself ,somehow tripping on an unseen branch, injuring my already bruised left knee.

And if it would have ended there, it would just have been another in the series of shame blame Saturdays; but on this particular Saturday,  as I lay in a tangled heap on the very cold sand, a miracle happened.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I, KATHARINE ANGELINA LOVE, CONCIOUSLY AND WITH INTENTION, FORGAVE MYSELF!!

I forgave myself for not being able to ask Lorraine to turn around and help me. I forgave myself for not being able to hike down the steep incline without falling. I forgave Lorraine for not having a mother who encouraged connection and reaching out to others, literally and figuratively . I put into practice what my amazing therapist, the wonderful Jodee has been encouraging me to do,  engage the wounded little five year old  that still lives inside of me.

 I took my little five year old’s hand, and said to her “It’s okay baby, everyone here is doing the best they can. You are safe, I am here for you, and you are not alone anymore”.  I then felt a surge of love and forgiveness fill my body, and silently thanked Lorraine, who had given me this opportunity to practice the practice of forgiving myself.

 

 

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.”

Mark Twain

The Lesbian Chronicles 6: The Peace Talks — January 12, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 6: The Peace Talks

I’ve recently discovered  how difficult it is to let the people I  love just be themselves without intervention. Intellectually I understand that I have no agency over another person;  especially if said person is my ex – girlfriend Lorraine, but my old dino brain says – If  I ask only once more nicely; better perhaps  if I lie prostrate on my hands and knees begging; surely that would get her to change, right? Lorraine, why won’t you listen to me? I can help you, after all I am a therapist!

Non, c’est incorrecte. All my outsized behavior does is create resistance ‘in the field’ as my energy work teacher would say; and so I find myself between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

If I allow the people closest to me to just be themselves, who will I be in relationship to them? Since childhood I have been cast in the role of agent provocateur.  I have acted accordingly for most of my life;  to give up that role  would feel like losing the ‘me-ist’ part of me.

 But give her up I must, because I long for peace. Peace in my relationships, peace in my body and peace in my soul.

 Rest in peace my wild untamed  agent provocateur, you have served me well, but I will not needing you for this part of my journey.

This is my trajectory ; I am living it, breathing it, eating it. It tastes like Captain Crunch cereal.

So once again and not for the first time today, even though it is only nine a.m in the morning, I will forgive my mornings transgressions and begin again the process of allowing Lorraine and all my relations the freedom to  just be.

 

 

 
The Lesbian Chronicles 5 — January 5, 2016

The Lesbian Chronicles 5

Ever since I was a wee young thing, come January 1st, my mother  would say to me  “Katharine, today I start my new program!”

Honey and her best friend Mimi would then take themselves to our local Y.W.H.A, where they would slowly saunter around the track for 10 minutes before retreating to the sauna.  Honey’s ‘program’ would continue for a few days, along with the ubiquitous black coffee and grapefruit; before my mother  would begin to complain about feeling weak and  insist my father take her to Moishe’s for a steak dinner.
When I was in my twenties my girlfriends and I were always trying the latest diet craze. Because at 5’2 and 115 lbs, I thought I was fat. Not just zaftig; I actually believed that I was very heavy and ergo very unattractive. We starved our way through The Cabbage Soup Diet, The Scarsdale Diet, and my personal favourite; The Eat Nothing But Drink A Disgusting Concoction Of Lemon Juice, Maple Syrup And Cayenne Pepper Diet.  I would mix all these delightful ingredients with water, and  force myself to drink 8 glasses of this mixture each day. This concoction was supposed to cleanse my filthy body and bring it back to purity and alignment. Blech!

Whilst in the midst of one such cleanse; I went on a  date with a woman I had  desperately desired . She chose the venue, my favourite Greek restaurant. While she ate her beautiful grilled trout dinner,  I stared ravenously at her fish dish; instead of gazing into her intense gray eyes; insisting that my hot water and lemon tea would satisfy. Suffice to say that was our first and sadly last, date.

As I approach my 60th year here on planet Earth; I am still riding that streetcar named self abnegation, hoping that when I eventually disembark, I will step into my very own lavender land of Oz. Honey will great me with a bouquet of purple roses, the Mayor will  give me the keys to his city and K.D Lang will give me the keys to her home.

However; everyone here knows what happened for Dorothy when she landed up in Oz. Dorothy needed to learn that there is no place like home, and that she had the knowledge all along – yada yada.

So what is this lesbian jewess to do?

I know for sure what I won’t be doing:

I will not be starting ‘my new program’.

This is the first time in my adult life that I will not be starting the new year with a resolve to diet. I am done with diets forever. I believe there is a reaon the word ‘die’ is in diet, for each time I began a new diet, a small part of me died.

I  have now come to realize there is no ‘there’.
No mythical land to travel to, no good witch to give me ruby slippers (damn it!)
There is just ‘here’ and just ‘now’ and just ‘me’.

I am the only one that can give ‘me’ any lasting benediction. Beginning now; I am going to try loving my aging wrinkled chubster body and be grateful that my body allows me to walk with my puppy Lucille at Kew Beach in Toronto, the very same body that allows me to feel pleasure when I eat fresh red snapper at Milo’s in Montreal , and pancakes at The Ritz in Palm Beach. I shall enjoy eating those delicious home made donuts, and rejoice, for now I am eating mindfully, meaning that when I check in with my body, I realize that eating two donut is actually okay; the donut police will not come and take me away.

I am profoundly grateful that despite all the abuse I have heaped on my body; I am still here to delight in long slow delicious kisses; to enjoy reading a new J.M Redmann novel in front of a roaring fireplace,  a soft blanket covering my always cold feet.

To reiterate:

No more New Year’s diet resolutions;   resolutions are so 2015!

2016 is the year of the mantra. Here is mine:

Be kind to myself. Be kind to myself. Be kind to myself. Be kind to myself.

Thin or heavy. Happy or sad. Productive or sloth like. Brilliant or dull. Beautiful or plain.Single or coupled.

Just be kind to yourself, Katharine.

And if you are still here with me;
please be kind to yourself
as well.

 

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