Tonight, I tried once again to remedy my solo status by attempting to attend a lesbionic event. It was a book launch at The Gladstone Hotel featuring the author Marnie Woodrow. There was going to be tarot readers or tarot cards or something to do with tarot. I wasn’t clear on how tarot was involved exactly, but since my three favourite things are : women, tarot and books; I felt this could possibly be the night where love might finally reveal itself, or at the very least I would get my tarot cards read. As an added bonus, the event was starting at 7 p.m. which was an extremely civilized time, not 10 p.m. as in previous events I have tried and failed to go to because frankly, I am asleep by then. So tonight I got dressed in my favourite soft blue flannel shirt, the one I borrowed from my ex and never returned. Jane is fearless in her approach to life, and so whenever bravery is required in myself I wear her shirt to somehow inhabit her moxie. Tonight I am ready – shirt on, hair looking reasonably tamed, lips newly slicked with my  Burt’s Bee’s lip crayon ‘Niagara Overlook’.  I know, that is a weird name for a lipstick, but it is  the earthy Burt’s Bee’s Company, and not the hip nail polish company OPI whose nail polish has names like ‘ Muir Muir On The Wall’ , and ‘The Berry Thought Of You’, a lovely berry colour which I have on my toes today.  I put on my favourite perfume, Chloe, in hopes that smelling like roses will appeal to the dyke of my dreams. I get in my car and drive to The Gladstone, and proceed to walk up the 35 steep stairs even though I am old and my knees are killing me, because I am determined to show up at this event. Of course, it is not upstairs, which I find out  after I have walked up the 35 stairs to the top of the hotel, only to find out that my event is taking place in the main bar on the main floor. But, that is ok, I will put on arnica cream tonight on my knees and I will be hopefully fine and the pain will have been worth it. Right? So, finally I walk in to the bar, and I see so many handsome dykes and interesting looking women and they are all older than 40 and isn’t this awesome! Umm …yes it was, for about 10 seconds. By the 11th second, I realized that all the women were sitting down at their  tables and everyone seemed to know everyone else, and I knew no one and what was I supposed to do? Stand at the bar and pretend to be cool? I am many things, but so not cool. So I did what I always do. I bailed. Katharina left the building. And as I was driving home, much as I was sad that I was driving home alone, I was also relieved because once again, I did not have to show up. I could escape and be free of judgment and rejection, because surely that was what was going to happen. After all,  who would really want crooked little me? So I sabotaged myself by going an hour late, and then bailing when there was no room at the inn. Perhaps if I had come on time, I might have been able to talk to a few women before everyone sat down together. Perhaps.

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