Yesterday as I was walking in the bluffs with a friend and , of course Lucille the circus pup, we came upon a steep incline. My friend went first and when it was my turn I looked at her back, silently willing her to turn around and say “Hey, Katharine need some help?” for of course I needed help. I have bad knees and bad balance and a broken motherless heart. YES I NEED HELP MOTHERFUCKER!!!
But she did not turn around and so I proceeded to go down the very steep incline by myself and in the… process injured my knee. And, if it would have ended there, it would just have been another in the series of shame blame Saturdays , but here is where the miracle happened. I FORGAVE MYSELF. For not being able to ask her to turn around and help me and for then tumbling down. I FORGAVE HER for not having a mother who encouraged connection and reaching out to others, literally and figuratively . I did what my amazing therapist the wonderful Jodee has been asking me to do, which has been so hard for me to even contemplate , never mind put into action which is this.
I am my own good enough mother , I might even be my own good mother(having graduated yesterday from good enough to good) and I said to myself “it’s ok katharine, everyone here is doing the best they can “. “you are ok, and i am here for you” (good mother does not like writing with caps) and I then felt a surge of love for my friend , who gave me this opportunity to practice the practice of truly loving myself.
“Wholeness is the goal, but wholeness does not mean perfection. It means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life.” -Parker J. Palmer